Day 27- Lost and Found

I guess the story of our lost kid is in order...
I was not only traumatized by the incident at the nursery, but when we went to the mall one time... and this is utterly embarrassing...  my daughter got lost. We were with my sister's kids, and my husbands two kids from a previous marriage... this is all such a long story, but to condense it down... we had 6 kids, all of stair-step ages... the two older girls, just months apart, looked like twins, the boys, just months apart, looked like they were brothers, not twins, but maybe a year apart in looks... and the two little girls, were two years apart, and looked like sisters... I was not that old, maybe 23? My husband was 33 or 34? Everyone looked at him like he was a dirty old man.... and he was... but all the kids weren't ours... but they looked it... Anyway, I always had them go together as buddies, and trusted the older kids to pay attention to the younger ones... which in your own family, you can do... when it is someone else's kids, not so much. They don't really pay attention do they? We went to eat and then to the mall and were fine, I was keeping watch over them all I thought, I would stop and count... we were fine... until the pet shop. Yes, they still had pet shops in the mall at that point. The older kids were looking at the dogs, the younger at the rats and my baby girl, then about 3? just disappeared. I turned to count kids and she was missing. I panicked, thinking back to the nursery, not able to fathom how I would find her in the mall...

We stopped a guard, told him, I started running around like a crazy woman... I turned a corner to find a woman with my daughter in her arms... my daughter was fine until she saw me... started crying and holding out her arms... and I knew right then that I could never let her further away from me than an arms length. I could tell it was her, because she had on a bright pink dress and jacket, her hair already turning a beautiful blond, and her round, sweet face... but that woman could have easily had her in a car and gone in an instant... I panicked, I cried, I was relieved, and mortified all at once. If I had not been so quick to run around I don't know if I would have found her. I was hurt that my husband wasn't worried in the least. He didn't see her, but I felt like it was because I couldn't see that she got lost. Why was that? Was it the guilt in 'losing' her at the nursery? Was it just a feeling of inadequacy on my part? Was it the truth in the fact that I couldn't see and shouldn't be in charge of kids?

I worried over this for a long time, then when it was time for school... and things went smoothly, I was so happy,

Years later, I found that my daughter didn't know that I was so blind. That I had so much trouble seeing all those years. She herself had to go into glasses during third grade. When I started homeschooling her... I found out that she had 'failed' two of the school exams... and they hadn't notified me, which is a whole other story....  She went into contacts at 11, the same as me... Her eyesight, like mine, got worse and worse over the years, not at the fast pace that mine did, but it did decrease at a rate that was not good. She knew cataracts were a huge problem with me, but didn't know that I was having so many other problems... When she had an exam as an adult, she had to call me so that I could talk to the doctor... and tell him about my eyes... all the trouble I had and was going through at this point... She said that she didn't know that I had so much trouble... and now she is going through some of the same things as me. The floaters, the wet macular degeneration, the probability of going blind at an early age...

I didn't want anyone to know that I had such a hard time seeing, especially my daughter and her friends. I drove like I had no problems, and mostly my vision was correctable to 20/60 and 20/80... most of the time, a couple of times it was even better... not for long mind you, but it did get better and get worse over and over... so I drove, played ball with the neighborhood kids, went camping, canoeing, to museums, to exhibits... anything and everything that I could... I did with my daughter.. She knew I had one large floater, but I guess in her mind it was an oddity, and she didn't think about it until she was in the doctor's office that day.... and tried to tell him about it...she really didn't remember much. So they called... it worried her doctor that I had so much trouble with my eyes... that the doctors had never really found out what was wrong with them, no explanation as to why I had so many problems...

Day 26- Beginning again

Kids are what I decided were on the list of things that I wanted to bring up before the end of the month... I have one post that I have written for last week that talked a lot about my kids, I just wanted to add pictures to it before I scheduled it for posting... and never got the chance to do that. So today, I want to expand on the ideas that you haven't had a chance to read... but it will be ok, and possibly, I will post the first one and it will make a bit more sense.

I had my first child at 20. I had planned on having one way before that, I actually had most of my life planned out. But reality sets in and... things don't always work out as planned.  That plan of having a large family and having grandkids before I was 40 so I'd be able to play and run around with them, being able to do things with them that my grandmother, bless her heart, wasn't able to do with me... just didn't happen.  Dreams don't always come true.

I had my daughter, amidst a rough period in my life, that should have been wonderful but was not so great. I was having second thoughts about my marriage, and I was having second thoughts about my schooling, and having a rough period with my mother and my sister, and I felt a little alone... It was all a bit stressful, and I shouldn't have used this time of my life to rebel.. but rebel I did... I got pregnant, I quit college, I pretty much alienated my whole family... and...well, I fell in love with being a mother.

My eyes changed like most women who are pregnant, and I had to go back into glasses because contacts were impractical. Women have physiological changes in their eyes due to pregnancy, which include corneal changes probably due to water retention, which can cause you to be intolerant to contact lenses. Most doctors won't fit you for contacts if they know you are pregnant... and I was definitely pregnant{1}.
Interocular pressure changes sometimes with pregnancy, and sometimes pregnancy can induce 'dry-eye' syndrome among other maladies, not least of which comes with pre-eclamspia and eclampsia which can bring on blurred vision, retinal hemmorages, and even  retinal detachment among other serious conditions. {2}
So when my eyes started to change, I knew it was a normal thing. I had a sister that had three kids, two brothers who had kids, cousins, friends, all with kids, all had changes, but of course, when I started to have a lot of blurred vision, I thought it was because I was trying to get used to wearing glasses after wearing contacts for so long.
I had Pre-eclampsia.
I didn't know it until I had a visit with the doctor and they did a urine test, which had loads of protein in it, and the nurse said oh my who's got so much protein? ... they all turned towards me... I wanted to faint... I felt like I would, and the nurse grabbed my arm and took me to a room to lie down.My blood pressure was up pretty high, but with the urine sample it was pretty certain that I was indeed having problems. The swelling... the headaches, the blurred vision... I had gained 50 pounds in a matter of a month... they wanted to do a c-section right away, but I promised that I would be good and stay in bed and promised to come in every other day for a week to make sure I was ok... and the doctor agreed. I had known him while I was in Nursing, and he made me promise that if anything changed I would check into the hospital... and indeed, I had more trouble the next week with a lot of pain and, well, I  went into labor on my own the next week and delivered before the doctor could get back to the hospital... so it was me and one nurse... and my little bundle of joy.

She was perfect. Beautiful, tiny, auburn hair and blue eyes, a perfect little girl.
She was such a sweet and wonderful gift. I sat and cried and hugged her until the nurse got help and the doctor came in and made me give her up to go into the incubator. We were able to take her home in just a few days, and she was perfect. I can't tell you how much it was a relief to have her healthy, or pretty much healthy. She ended up having a surgery for inguinal hernias, which is very common in premature babies, both male and female.{3}She was 5 weeks old, and so tiny, and such a trooper thorough it all. I cried and cried because she was so good through all of it.
I didn't want to leave her alone at all, I wanted to sit and watch her and make sure she didn't need anything, but everyone (mostly my mother-in-law) told me that I should get away from her and take care of my husband... go out, do something, take care of myself.... so... I decided that I would go to the beauty shop, get my hair done, go shopping and get a new dress, something to be glamorous, or at least back to myself a bit... but everyone was busy that day, the only day I really could go do things for myself... so at 6 months old... I left my daughter at the day care that everyone had told me was really nice.

I still have trauma from this experience. I know my daughter was fine. I know they took care of her... and I am sure that they were utterly dismayed because I was crying when I stood at the door to pick her up.

I didn't realize that I had such terrible vision until that very moment. I stood at the half door that separated the 'babies' from the toddlers, looking at about 10 babies around the same age as my daughter, all sitting, looking angelic, and all looking the same... the exact same. I didn't know which was mine. I really had no idea which baby was mine. I just started crying. No one knew that was the reason, and no one knew that I was having a hard time seeing... they just thought it was post-partum or something, maybe that I was having problems at home... who knew...

I never left her again. I didn't care what my inlaws or anyone said, I would never leave a baby in the nursery every again.

I had a really hard time letting her go to school, but was happy that she was so outstanding, I mean, her hair had turned a very, very light blond over the years leading up to school. Her skin was ivory, and I dressed her in the sweetest dresses, which was an oddity... most of the girls wore shorts or pants... so she stood out. I was so happy after the first day of school that she didn't get lost, that I was able to find her... and I really needed that.

Having kids is hard for any mother. Worrying and wondering if they are all right, hoping and praying that you are doing the right thing for them... hoping to not lose them... to not misplace them! I have to laugh at that...

1...Cheung, Albert; Scott, Ingrid U. Ophthalmic Pearls-  http://www.aao.org/publications/eyenet/201205/upload/Ocular-Changes-During-Pregnancy-PDF.pdf

2... U.S. National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health; http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000898.htm

3...Boston Children's Hospital. http://www.childrenshospital.org/health-topics/conditions/hernia-umbilical-or-inguinal

Day 25- Starting over

I've been through a little bit of a trial the past week, not feeling up to doing much but answering a few emails, sit and talk to my son, listen to an audio book... not doing much of anything other than sleeping at all... So, I have missed a whole week-plus of writing, and I feel really bad about that. I have several posts ready to go for several of the days, but I'm not sure whether I'll post them or not. Maybe after today, I'll decide if they are necessary.
I wanted to join in the 31 Days Writing Challenge to actually finish a full month, but... I now understand why it is so hard to write for me.  I have days that I am so full of information, so full of ideas, and so full of the want to write.. that I need to, but then there are days that I am just not able to do it. Until I am proficient enough to write without actually looking at what I am writing, when I am proficient enough to use a reader for what I have written, and when I am well enough to be able to sit and think... maybe I'll join again and finish a whole month.

I had a procedure a week ago last Monday that left me utterly unable to do much of anything, and I am now wondering if there is anything  I can relate to others that would help or educate or to make light of the situation I'm in, but I have decided not to visit it yet....

Day 21-Education

The ability to learn is taken for granted. I don't have the data on that, it is just a given. In the United States, school is a given. When children are 5 and older, it is mandatory  to attend a school.  Public Education has been the mainstay of the country since 1918 (Fisher Act {1}) The Constitution of the United States of America does not provide for the education of children, before Congress instituted the public school system, it was left up to the individual parents, the states and the society as a whole to see to the education of our children. . The Department of Education was formed in 1867 to collect data on schools throughout the United States. {2} Up to this time, there were school houses, home schools, private schools, and they all taught children the basics. Some were taught foreign languages, some were only taught the rudimentary skills of readin, ritin, and rithmatic.  Now while the three 'R's have been a staple and a basis of all other education, there is so much more out there to learn... 
Not all children were able to actually have a clssroom, many had a one room school house where all grades learned side by side from one teacher. My Mother, her siblings and my inlaws were all taught in one room school houses.
There have been some acts of Congress that have actually been landmarks in the society of the United States and they had to do with education. 1917 Smith-Hughes Act that gave federal aid to schools..the 1918 Child Labor Law{3}, Civil Rights Act of 1964, Public Law 94-142 The Education for all Handicapped Children Act, and the 2002 No Child Left Behind Act had bipartisan support and passed through Congress{4}... These laws have all leveled the playground so to speak for all children to have access to public education.OK, so the Child Labor law isn't to do with education, but it helped enable children to have the time to go to public schools. Before this time in history, children were able to work the same hours as adults, in the same type jobs, in the same hazardous conditions...



1...The Cabinet Papers 1915-1984. National Archchives. http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/cabinetpapers/themes/fisher-act.htm
2...The Federal Role in Education. US Department of Education. http://www2.ed.gov/about/overview/fed/role.html
3... http://www.lawnix.com/cases/hammer-dagenhart.html
4...http://www2.ed.gov/about/overview/fed/role.html