Day 26- Beginning again

Kids are what I decided were on the list of things that I wanted to bring up before the end of the month... I have one post that I have written for last week that talked a lot about my kids, I just wanted to add pictures to it before I scheduled it for posting... and never got the chance to do that. So today, I want to expand on the ideas that you haven't had a chance to read... but it will be ok, and possibly, I will post the first one and it will make a bit more sense.

I had my first child at 20. I had planned on having one way before that, I actually had most of my life planned out. But reality sets in and... things don't always work out as planned.  That plan of having a large family and having grandkids before I was 40 so I'd be able to play and run around with them, being able to do things with them that my grandmother, bless her heart, wasn't able to do with me... just didn't happen.  Dreams don't always come true.

I had my daughter, amidst a rough period in my life, that should have been wonderful but was not so great. I was having second thoughts about my marriage, and I was having second thoughts about my schooling, and having a rough period with my mother and my sister, and I felt a little alone... It was all a bit stressful, and I shouldn't have used this time of my life to rebel.. but rebel I did... I got pregnant, I quit college, I pretty much alienated my whole family... and...well, I fell in love with being a mother.

My eyes changed like most women who are pregnant, and I had to go back into glasses because contacts were impractical. Women have physiological changes in their eyes due to pregnancy, which include corneal changes probably due to water retention, which can cause you to be intolerant to contact lenses. Most doctors won't fit you for contacts if they know you are pregnant... and I was definitely pregnant{1}.
Interocular pressure changes sometimes with pregnancy, and sometimes pregnancy can induce 'dry-eye' syndrome among other maladies, not least of which comes with pre-eclamspia and eclampsia which can bring on blurred vision, retinal hemmorages, and even  retinal detachment among other serious conditions. {2}
So when my eyes started to change, I knew it was a normal thing. I had a sister that had three kids, two brothers who had kids, cousins, friends, all with kids, all had changes, but of course, when I started to have a lot of blurred vision, I thought it was because I was trying to get used to wearing glasses after wearing contacts for so long.
I had Pre-eclampsia.
I didn't know it until I had a visit with the doctor and they did a urine test, which had loads of protein in it, and the nurse said oh my who's got so much protein? ... they all turned towards me... I wanted to faint... I felt like I would, and the nurse grabbed my arm and took me to a room to lie down.My blood pressure was up pretty high, but with the urine sample it was pretty certain that I was indeed having problems. The swelling... the headaches, the blurred vision... I had gained 50 pounds in a matter of a month... they wanted to do a c-section right away, but I promised that I would be good and stay in bed and promised to come in every other day for a week to make sure I was ok... and the doctor agreed. I had known him while I was in Nursing, and he made me promise that if anything changed I would check into the hospital... and indeed, I had more trouble the next week with a lot of pain and, well, I  went into labor on my own the next week and delivered before the doctor could get back to the hospital... so it was me and one nurse... and my little bundle of joy.

She was perfect. Beautiful, tiny, auburn hair and blue eyes, a perfect little girl.
She was such a sweet and wonderful gift. I sat and cried and hugged her until the nurse got help and the doctor came in and made me give her up to go into the incubator. We were able to take her home in just a few days, and she was perfect. I can't tell you how much it was a relief to have her healthy, or pretty much healthy. She ended up having a surgery for inguinal hernias, which is very common in premature babies, both male and female.{3}She was 5 weeks old, and so tiny, and such a trooper thorough it all. I cried and cried because she was so good through all of it.
I didn't want to leave her alone at all, I wanted to sit and watch her and make sure she didn't need anything, but everyone (mostly my mother-in-law) told me that I should get away from her and take care of my husband... go out, do something, take care of myself.... so... I decided that I would go to the beauty shop, get my hair done, go shopping and get a new dress, something to be glamorous, or at least back to myself a bit... but everyone was busy that day, the only day I really could go do things for myself... so at 6 months old... I left my daughter at the day care that everyone had told me was really nice.

I still have trauma from this experience. I know my daughter was fine. I know they took care of her... and I am sure that they were utterly dismayed because I was crying when I stood at the door to pick her up.

I didn't realize that I had such terrible vision until that very moment. I stood at the half door that separated the 'babies' from the toddlers, looking at about 10 babies around the same age as my daughter, all sitting, looking angelic, and all looking the same... the exact same. I didn't know which was mine. I really had no idea which baby was mine. I just started crying. No one knew that was the reason, and no one knew that I was having a hard time seeing... they just thought it was post-partum or something, maybe that I was having problems at home... who knew...

I never left her again. I didn't care what my inlaws or anyone said, I would never leave a baby in the nursery every again.

I had a really hard time letting her go to school, but was happy that she was so outstanding, I mean, her hair had turned a very, very light blond over the years leading up to school. Her skin was ivory, and I dressed her in the sweetest dresses, which was an oddity... most of the girls wore shorts or pants... so she stood out. I was so happy after the first day of school that she didn't get lost, that I was able to find her... and I really needed that.

Having kids is hard for any mother. Worrying and wondering if they are all right, hoping and praying that you are doing the right thing for them... hoping to not lose them... to not misplace them! I have to laugh at that...

1...Cheung, Albert; Scott, Ingrid U. Ophthalmic Pearls-  http://www.aao.org/publications/eyenet/201205/upload/Ocular-Changes-During-Pregnancy-PDF.pdf

2... U.S. National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health; http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000898.htm

3...Boston Children's Hospital. http://www.childrenshospital.org/health-topics/conditions/hernia-umbilical-or-inguinal